next contents


You've seen me before ... during the many SNL breaks or possibly the Monday Night Football commercial messages ... let me refresh your beer-addled memory: skin-tight clothes long hair wild and loose skin a melanoma-seducing bronzelips glossed and pursed ... that's right your fantasy babe floating in swimming pools in a bar or in a desert with several of my bodacious babe-friends trying to revive our dead car. The fabulous thing about being a fantasy babe is not having impossibly high standards. You could have halitosis smelly armpits a receding hairline. You could be a misogynist a Nazi or a complete jerk and all you need to do to summon this fantasy babe is buy the RIGHT frosty beer can. Such a deal. Of course get the WRONG beer (and I'm assuming you're enough of a lager connoisseur to know what brands of beer I'm talking about) and you're liable to end up with a bowling-ball of a woman who compulsively takes every Cosmopolitan monthly quiz who cares about your financial security your psychological profile your frigging loyalty your HIV status. She should care. I don't. I'm content enough to relax with a man with a tasty [your fave brand here] a guy who cares for the simple pleasures in life like me! And those great golden '70s classic rock tunes! A guy who can (or has a friend who can) supply a muscular convertible of a car fire-engine red or the cool nocturnal black! A guy with friends just as athletic sleek and fun-loving as he is. After all your friends are going to have to hang out with my friends too. No they don't come with the babe. The babe-pals come with me. The cars and guy-pals you have to go get those yourself. It would help to have as many semi-professional or professional guy-pals as possible: male models (straight please) doctors(preferably plastic surgeons) masseurs stockbrokers and professional race-car drivers. Why? Well because my babe-pals and I are veterinarians child psychologists computer programmers massage therapists and nuclear physicists. There's gotta be that common bond you know. Oh yeah and my friends would like me to mention here that they're as far as they know HIV negative and expect the same from your pals and yourself. Part and parcel of the demographics baby! Straddle this filly and go for the wild life! Taste the adventure! ** College education automobile with extras mountain cabin rentals volleyball nets frisbees wardrobe condoms spermicides jellies barf bags season's tickets to basketball hockey football baseball dog friends licenses and certificates alcohol tolerance extra. Some of these extras may not be available locally due to state laws. ** I can't guarantee that outside of twenty years I'll start looking and acting like Maude. That might happen even after you've just finished your beer;