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Fill air sickness bag with coleslaw. "Sir, I'm afraid you're going
to have to leave your dog outside." he said,
 eyeing King, my beautiful German Shepard/Rottweiler.
  My British charm had no power here.  Word of the Month.

(infinity)±±¾¾ TETRAHYMENA ¾¾±±(infinity)
 I often dress up like My Hamster Chock full o' Bad Sectors.

got fired from my AutoCad job today--really, they must not 
have liked me very much there. INSTRUCTIONS:  Read each 
question carefully.  Answer all questions.
	Time limit is four hours. 9 out of 10 rottweilers prefer
JehovahYou now own 19 Juice Tigers.
 Being offensive is destructive, and will not make the world
a harmonious utopia,  Harrass people who wear fur coats.  
Remind them that an innocent baby seal was
mercilessly clubbed.  Or just yell, "FUR."  WASP (white male)
-   Insensitive Cultural Oppressor (ICO)
 Poor             -   Economically Unprepared
 -   Hunter-Animal Assassin
                      Meat Mercenary
                      Bambi Butcher
Blubber Lovers
Selectively Perceptive
                      Mental Explorers
  -  Senile Bag o' Bones  -   Alzheimer's  (EHA)
Ethnically Homogenous Area
     Pre-Integrated Pre-Nirvana Hamburger
Pimp-mobile, Low-rider Differently Weighted
        * Quantitative mass acceleration oriented
		  Person of matter
Sanitation Engineer
Hamburger flipper:
		 * Manipulator of Seared Mutated animal flesh 
		for monitery misalligned cattle murder
        Where fish are murdered

        Where cows are murdered

Egg ranch:

	Where Unborn Chickens are murdered.
A fireball exploding in a bugbear Macing a perfume tester.
Your idea of testing a mattress involves a Thermos-full of Rob 
and a couple of hookers.
 Block the down escalator for an hour doing Stairmaster 
 CHECK YOUR HAMSTER   Yes, by all means check your ham-
 sters!   This Male Lesbian is going to make some changes
 around here.  What? Did you them it on here? I'm going to
 wait until you answer. Hey how do I get out of here?
Fine i'll wait until you answer!
Look, I have no idea who you are. I don't have simcity any-
more. . The Hairiest Ken Doll Ever Gotta run, the cat's caught
in the printer. How many sex-restricted jobs require a penis or 
a vagina?
How much did you make last year?  The devil can cite 
Scripture Okay...I've read somewhere...
Hehehehehhahehaeohaoheh!  Great for bullies, assholes,
    sociology prof's....whatever.
 DON'T fuck with this shit if you've had any sort of liver disor-
you know that
    all cats must die.  This is just a fact.  Man and cat were 
    meant to be friends.  The following is a rather extrava-
    manner of err...eradicating the little pests.

    Needed: 1) 1 can of tuna fish.
            2) Some black powder or gun powder.
            3) 1 "party popper"
            4) String
            5) 1 can of epoxy.
            6) 1 toy mouse.

    Ok, take the can of tuna.  Rinse it out thoroughly and dry 
	  Then squeeze some oil from the tuna by and and CON-
    coat the insides of the can with it.  Then lightly flour the
    can, as you would a cookie sheet and bundt cake pan, so 
    surface is dry.  The smell should draw cats to the general
	vacinity.  Now put a SMALL hole the can with a screwdriv-
	Put the party popper (These are those things that look 
	little plastic champagne bottles that send out paper and
	when you pull the string) inside the can and lead the 
	through the hole.  Attach 3 more inches of string to it.
	look like this:

                        __ Can of tuna.
               *   [[][]]       *
               *   [[][]] ---------Party popper.
               *   [[][]]       *
               *     []         
               *     []         *
                      + ---- String coming off of party popper.

   Now take the toy mouse, one stuffed with catnip, and 
grease it
   up thoroughly with oil from the tuna, or cod liver oil.  
   will make the stupid fucking cat think it's something he 
   eat.  Now tie that mouse's tail to the string on the party   
   popper.  Fill the remaining space in the can with black 
   or gunpowder, and seal it off.  (We here at PfA prefer 
   powder, it's smokier.  After all, effect is everything.)

 Epoxy the can to the ground.  What will happen is the cat
 will see the mouse, put it in his mouth, and try to carry it
 off.  This will pull the party popper string, and set off the
 gunpowder!   No way in hell I can do 55 fuckin'
 bucks but I'll pitch in if I can crash on your floor.
Call 1-800-WET-TITS and enter your credit card number.
"Ye know, dere's mo' dan
    one way ta skin a cat."

    Well here's the coolest way.  And unlike our other anarchy 
files, it
    doesn't require a bunch of shit you can never get your 
hands on, and
    I'm not gonna disclaim this cuz cats are worthless piece of 
    fucking bitch animals that make me sneeze.  (Atchoo!)  So 
do people.
    (Atchoo!)  So go for it!

    Toolz required: (Duharr...can I use textbox or gargoyle?  
         Two hands.  (Monoplegic version will follow in a
		 later issue.)

    Ok.  Now sprawl the cat out on a few 2x4's.  (It really need-
n't be
    dead first.  In fact give it some valium or better yet a bunch 
      ephedrine or alcohol or other such movement reducing 
drugs.)  And
    tack him down.  Have him sprawled out like this:

             &&&              &&&
             &@&     %%%%     &@&
             &&^    %%%%%%  0 ^&&
              - ^    %%%%    ^ -
                 ^  ()()()  ^     Key: % = Head
                  ^(()()())^           @ = Front paw
                   ()()()()            * = Back paw
                   (()()())            ^ = Front leg
                    ()()()        ) or ( = Torso
                   /  00  \            0 = Tail
                  /   00   \      \ or / = Back leg
               - /    00    \ -        & = Lead Sauder (not req.)
              &*&          &*&        - = Reference point
               &&&          &&&

    Note - The lead solder is uneccessary ... but we are all about
    EFFect here so we DO reccomend saudering the cat's feet 
    However if you do choose that route, DO NOT get it on 
 anything but
    the cat's toes.

    Now note the referrence points are just above the cat's 
    claws.  Grab one of those points VERY FIRMLY and TWIST 
 HARD with
    both hands like you were starting a motorcycle.  This will
    disconnect the skin on the cat's feet and legs.
    Now, grab the slack skin on its legs and scrape it on one of 
    claws so it makes a frayed strip.  Take that strip and pull it
    towards the torso.  Do that to each leg, and the torso will 
    away easily.  If you really want EPHECT, peel the skin off the 
    like an orange.

    Now you have a k-r4d 31337 sk1nn3d c4t d00d.  D0n'T g3t 
    Sc4n th3 p1ctureZ 4nd s3nd th3m t0 4mer1c4 0nl1n3 4 
The more time you spending staringing at a screen, the cooler you 
 Ask dumb questions, get dumb answers. Ask smart questions, 
get no answers.
 People living on the other side of the world really DO care 
about what
    kind of drugs you use frequently and how sexually active 
you are, 21. If someone calls you a L4m3 p0s3ur n4rk, retaliate 
by calling them a
    st00p1d n4r|< w4nn4b3 l4m3r d0rk, and accuse them of 
b34t1ng 0ff wh1le
    th3y r34d th3 st34my m3ss4g3s on #hotsex, 3v3n th0 th3y'r3 
jUst a L4me
    12-y34r-0ld p0s3ur, wh0 pl4yz 0n h1s 'pUt3r wh1l3 h1z 
p4r3nts 4r3 g0n3.
22. If someone calls you a st00p1d n4r|< w4nn4b3 l4m3r d0rk, 
and makes the
    above stated accusations, then just say "1 iz 2 3l33t t0 3v3n 
t4lk t0
    y0u, s0 1 4m 0ff1c14lly iGN0R1NG u n0w, 4nd \/\/0n'T 
4nSw3r U 4nyM0r3." Example:  y0y0y0y0y0 h0wz1t
    g01n' U4EA, 1 BoW d0wn 4nd _W0RSH1P_ BoW b3c4us3 1 
4m p4rt of y0ur 3l33t
    h4q1ng p0ss3.
28. If they do not answer with an even longer and more wor-
shipful greeting,
    then refer to the instructions given in items 19-24.

First, take two new cello strings.  Cut them down to about two
feet a piece.  Tie these into a "V."  At the intersection tie a 
ring, an inch in diameter.  At the ends of the V tie metal balls 
the size of eggs.  Read the text below for instructions on 

        W3rd.  get two people butt-naked.  have them like this:

             anus                          anus
                  |                             |
  o        o  |  o        o     o        o  |  o        o
 o          o | o          o   o          o | o          o
 o          o***o          o   o          o***o          o
  o          o***o         o   o          o***o          o
  o        o     o        o     o        o     o        o

  Now, take the two metal eggs, and stick one in each per-
  sons ass
        all the way.  it should look like this from overhead:
           butts ____________
                 +       +
                 ()()    ()()
                     \  /
                      \/ ___ cello stringz.

Now, take the ring in one hand and play the stringz with a bow 
like a
cello.  don't use lube it will dampen the effectZ Y0u st4rt 0ff 
l1k3 y0u'r3 bu1ld1ng 4 st4nd4rd w4t3r b0ng. But y0u l34v3 0ff
th3 b4s3...

S0 wh4t y0u h4v3 1s 4 l0ng (3 f33t 1s g00d) 4cryl1c tub3 w1th 
4 st3m 4nd
b0wl st1ck1ng 0ut... y0u c4n just dr1ll 4 h0l3 1n th3 s1d3 4nd 
us3 3p0xy t0
s34l 1n 4 c0pp3r p1p3... I'm sur3 y0u c4n f1nd h1nts 4nd stuff 
f0r th1s
p4rt 1n v4r10us pl4c3s 4r0und th3 n3t.

     |     |
     |     |
     |     | <-- 4cryl1c Tub3
     |     |
     |     |
     |     |
     |     |
     |     |
     |     | / /
4--> |     |/ / <-- C0pp3r Tub3 4nd B0wl
     |     / /
     |    / /
     |     |
B--> |     |
     |     |

Th3 m0st 1mp0rt4nt th1ng n0w 1s th4t th3 b0tt0m p4rt 0f th3 
c0pp3r tub3 1s
4 f3w 1nch3s 4b0v3 th3 b0tt0m 0f th3 m41n 4cryl1c tub3... 1n 
n0rm4l b0ng
4ss3mbly y0u'd w4nt th3s3 cl0s3 but th3y h4v3 t0 b3 4p4rt f0r 
r34s0ns th4t
w1ll b3c0m3 cl34r.

N3xt st3p - f1ll 4 s1nk w1th c0ld w4t3r.

0k4y, n0w put th3 b0ng 1n th3 w4t3r (w1th th3 b0tt0m 0f th3 
c0pp3r tub3
BEL0W th3 w4t3r l1n3 - s33 p0s1t10n '4' 1n d14gr4m). Suck 
w4t3r up unt1l
th3 b0ng 1s full... th1s t4k3s s0m3 s1z34bl3 lung p0w3r f0r 
l0ng b0ngs.

N0w th3 tr1ck13st p4rt... pull up th3 b0ng unt1l th3 b0tt0m 0f 
th3 c0pp3r 
tub3 1s 4b0v3 th3 w4t3r l1n3 y3t th3 b0tt0m  0f th3 4cryl1c 
tub3 1s st1ll
b3l0w th3 w4t3r l1n3 - s33 p0s1t10n 'B' 1n d14gr4m. Th3 
ch4ng3 1n w4t3r
pr3ssur3s w1ll c4us3 41r t0 b3 dr4wn thr0ugh th3 b0wl 4nd 
c0pp3r tub3 4nd
1nt0 th3 b0ng... (LIGHT THE B0WL N0W!) - th3 sm0k3 w1ll 
bubbl3 thr0ugh 4ll
th3 w4t3r... k33p th1s up unt1l th3 w4t3r 1s 4ll g0n3.

Wh3n y0u'r3 d0n3, y0u h4v3 4 b0ng full 0f 3xtr3m3ly th1ck 
(1f y0u'r3 d01ng
1t r1ght) y3t v3ry c0ld 4nd 34sy t0 dr4w sm0k3. It h4s tr4v3l3d 
thr0ugh 4n
4v3r4g3 0f 4 f00t 4nd 4 h4lf 0f w4t3r (w1th 4 3 f00t b0ng). Plus 
th3r3's n0
r3s1st4nc3 - y0u d0n't h4v3 t0 pull 4ny 41r thr0ugh w4t3r t0 
g3t th3 h1t.

It t4k3s 4 l0t 0f pr4ct1c3 t0 d0 1t r1ght, but 0nc3 y0u g3t 1t 
d0wn 1t's
1ncr3d1bl3 th3 s1z3 0f th3 h1ts y0u c4n dr4w - 4nd th3y'r3 
34sy t0 sm0k3.

4n0th3r t1p I p1ck3d up - 1t's 34s13st t0 k33p th3 b0ng st34dy 
1f y0u h0ld
1t 4g4Some lady says: Please enter your number..
Rings, no answer..
Bumb blaster Kings cocker.