"I'll talk baby talk to you, if you talk baby talk to me."
- Memphis Slim

Here we see Russian stand-up comic Big Boris dispensing KGB-style with a red Chinese heckler in the audience at Fong's Laff Cafe, an up and coming San Francisco comedy club located in the heart of Chinatown. The Cold War is over? Well no one told that to the fans in this yuk-a-teria. Let's listen in. . .

Big Boris: Ahlo gude beeble of [looks at note he's holding] Zan Vranzizko. Loog ad theez guy. Vwat iz thiz guy looging gat? [he points to a man with thick glasses in the front row] EEZ HE WAYDRINGH GOKE BUDDLES?

Heckler: [Loudly, from front row.] Yu suk.

Big Boris: [pours a huge drink of water from a pitcher and drinks] Aaaah. Eez no wahder, eez gude Ruzshun WODKA! Nod laegk 'medrigan PEEDLE WAHDER [spits at audience].

Heckler: Dlunken bum. Speeet un long man, meestuh. Speeet un long man.

Big Boris: Bleez! Am dryingh do dell djokes. You adr vedry rude Tchainamen. Do nud inderrupdt schoviet khomaydee.

Heckler: Yu suk. Jist rika yu seeeesta eeen bik uff Buick moto cah.

Big Boris: [Trying to ignore heckler. Points to a woman in audience.] Iz your wive, no? Tchegg oud hair boost ull you beeble. Iz givingh you wooood, no?

Heckler: Chinese plahvub: Beeeg Lussian peeeg, huva teeeney pecka. Rike pet cheeerahrah.

Big Boris: [Points to man in back] Loog everyone, eee iz BALDT! Laegk KRUSCHCHEV! Shouwld weadr beeg Ruzshun foor hadt do kover baldt spod.

Heckler: Eeeempotint Lussian kumic huva teeeeeney teeeeney pecka.

Big Boris: Uh stribber, uh breest, and eh lawyger wuk indoo sindkging boot. Owndly vun gahn get uf thet boot. Boot ez sindkging vedry vedry fest. Sindkging quiggly. Lawgyer den troad overbort. . .

Heckler: Yu hava mama eeeees BEEEEEG UGREE BEEECH!

Big Boris: . . . Oh yah, end thet stribber hez grade beak boops! Daer vrelly yudj!

Heckler is hauled out by the bouncers.

Big Boris: Gahn yoo bedlieve thut guy. Daz nut know gud Medrigan djoge. Vad beeg jerdk! Nud eebven readl Medrigan. Iz dordy djenk! Go beck Djina. Go beck beink Maoeast uhbologeest. Loog et beeg dordy dum djenk!

[Minimal reaction from all Chinese-American audience.]

Big Boris: Dezdink. Dezdink. Iz thiz thingk on? Thenk you gud beeble ov [again checks small sheet of paper he's holding] Zen Vranzizko. You huv bean gud gud udience. Best in all over da verld.

[end of transcript]

* * * * *

Here Sgt. Jones, suffering from a severe case of Tourette's Syndrome with acute coprolallia, leads the police department's suicide counseling team. Let's see if he can "talk down" a jumper, acting executive assitant to the temporary adjunct marketing director, Jack Morgan, who has just lost his lucrative and hard-to-describe job.

Jones: Hey! You up there! No, ah-kkkkkk-ah, listen, guy, everything's gonna be okay. Pfffffffttt! Gonna be OK. I want you to listen now. Shit ass shit. Just sit tight there and blow me fuck me give me a blow job uh-what's your name, guy?

Jack: Morgan. Jack Morgan. On break. I'm up on 30 this quarter. Just until they import the spreadsheet data from Temp-Com.

Jones: Bzzzzzzzuz-zuzz-zuzz. Let's try and pfffffffffffttttttt glarp glarp take this fuck fuck fuck real pit pit pdpdpd piddoo-doo slow. Ok? Let's take it slow. Piss. Piss face. Pisser.

Jack: I was trying to light a fire under that HR project to keep it tracking. We were time-lining it for fiscal '98.

Jones: Weeeezzzzooooo. You've just got to realize that BUTTHOLE BUTTHOLE there is much fuck m-m-m-m-m-much more to stuie stuie stuie stuie life shit shitter shitbag shitonyou than this.

Jack: See, our network hot-link froze up. The vee-pee was going to Sys-10, I guess I just. . .

Jones: What about your family sch sch schsch schsch sch? What about your wife. Crap crappy fuck the kids?

Jack: I was just trying to Keogh the overage back into D-90.

Jones: XRXRrrrrrXRXR-XR merp merp just sit tight. Just give me a minute. We've got your wife merp coming over. Fuck cunt blow me.

Jack: They all told me, "Great job on the roll over with the DDC Group, Jack. Great work on the Keogh, Jack."

[end of transcript]

* * * * *

You're about to witness Ted Kennedy's visit with Ozzie, the incredible talking parrot and world reknown fan of Kennedy lore. Unfortunately, Ozzie becomes a bit flustered by the visit of an actual Kennedy and, well, some think he may have overstepped his bounds and blown his future with this senior American statesman.

Ted Kennedy: Hallo thar Arzzie [hic].

Ozzie the Parrot: HALLO THAR ARZZIE [HIC].

Ted Kennedy: I har yar quite the history berff Arzzie.

Ozzie the Parrot: KUBAR! BAH HABUH! KUBAR! BAH HABUH!

Ted Kennedy: Ah, thart's right Arzzie. Thart warse my brothar though.

Ozzie the Parrot: CHAPPARQUIDDICK! CHAPPARQUIDDICK! AWWWWWK! HEALTH CARE REFORM! HEALTH CARE REFORM!!

Ted Kennedy: That's ah a carz I uh believe in deeply ah [hic] deeply theya, Arzzie.

Ozzie the Parrot: HEALTH CARE REFORM! BOOTLEGGER! BOOTLEGGER! AWWWWK!! DADDY'S A BOOTLEGGER! CAMELOT! CAMELOT!!

Ted Kennedy: That, ah, warz, ah ah nevah ah, provarn theya, Arzzie.

Ozzie the Parrot: AWFF THE BRIDGE. NO CHARGES PRESSED. AAAAWWWWWWWWWKKKKK! AWFF THE BRIDGE.

Ted Kennedy: [Angrily pushes his way past the attendant reporters on the scene.]

Ozzie the Parrot: JACKIE CAWWT THE TUFT! JACKIE CAWWT THE TUFT! JACKIE CAWWT THE TUFT! JACKIE CAWWT THE TUFT! AWWKK! AWWKK!! JACKIE CAWWT THE TUFT! JACKIE CAWWT THE TUFT! JACKIE CAWWT THE TUFT! JACKIE CAWWT THE TUFT! JACKIE CAWWT THE TUFT!

[end of transcription]

* * * * *

Since the origin of the field, doctors have wondered: is mutual simultaneous oral surgery possible? In the final analysis, who knows? But these fellas were certainly willing to give it the old dental college try. And they saved themselves a bundle in the process.

Dentist1: I can just start to wheela nowhagaine haking haggeckt.

Dentist2: Just let me get my foot in the right position and... Whoa! Whew!

Dentist1: Hadstha gaths hkiggingh in.

Dentist2: Now un nowhagaine goo. I gan'k keel ngie lits. Ogay now, go aheag and sthrit.

Dentist1: Ogay, gan goo hole ad dlower gaw in dlace ho' gus a segund ho' ngee? Gread! Ads andadsick!

Dentist2: Glaeck nee gnow ih hoo heel hengy gain. Hogay?

Dentist1: Kogay. Goo doo.

Dentist2: HUH?

Dentist1: Gleck NEE gnow ih HOO heel hangy gain.

Dentist2: I iill! I iiiill!

Dentist1: So, 'ow agout 'ose Gkawahoohiner's? [unintelligible name of local sports team] Huh? Andasick gane!

Dentist2: Hey eeeely claid haaaaawd is eekend.

Dentist1: GREEEEEEOOOOOOOOWW!! RESH dalk agouda gane. NORE addenion do dor oooork uh TENDISTHDRY.

Dentist2: NORE NOWHAGAINE! NORE NOWHAGAINE!!!

Dentist1: [fumbling wildly for more anesthetic] So, how agout 'ose GAWAHOOHINER'S. HUH?

Dentist2: Goo awgeddy aksed eee 'at. I EEED NORE NOWHAGAINE!! Hogay, eaddy? 'uz eowe gungs ga GREEEOOOOWWLL!

Dentist1: EEEEEEEOOOOOOWW! Hore HFOOT hig higging nee ing ha GRDOIN!!

Dentist2: AYNG GLACKING OUK KRUN DA GAIN!!

[end of transcription]

* * * * *

As part of a celebrity charity auction, Barbara Walters became the high bidder for a lesson from master Tuvan throat singer Ali Khan Stand. Auction proceeds benefitted the Tuvan Childrens' Foundation but the singing lesson benefitted the entire American viewing public, as you'll witness in this short transcription.

Barbara Walters: Bwhut uh bwe gwoing to wrn heoh?

Ali Khan Stand: Haaaaaaaaaeeeeeeeeooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwtoooooooooooeee- eeeeeeeeeeeeeeuuuuuu uuuuuuu siiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeooooooooouuuuuuNGUH!

Barbara Walters: Twew mwe uhbwowt duh pwane kwash. Duh weconstwuctive sirdjwee. Duh pain. Duh howwibow howwibow disfigwrment.

Ali Khan Stand: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaeeeeeeeeeeeeetaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrr yooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeuuuuuuuuu taaaaaaeeeeeeeeeeeelkiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnGH abaaaaaaaaaaaoooooooo-uuuuuuuuuuT!

Barbara Walters: Aw woo suppode to bwe skwewing mwe doowing da singing wesson?

Ali Khan Stand: YEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOEEEEE EEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUU UUUUUUUIIIIIIIIIIOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

[end of transcription]

Pub. May 2001

DRC