from Seven Pages Missing, Volume 2: Previously Uncollected Texts 1968-2000
Toronto: Coach House Books, 2002

Steve McCaffery

audio file:

The Kommunist Manifesto
 or
Wot We Wukkerz Want

Bi Charley Marx un Fred Engels

Redacted un traduced intuht’ dialect uht’ west riding er Yorkshuh bi Steve McCaffery, eh son of that shire. Transcribed in Calgary 25 November to 3 December 1977 un dedicated entirely to Messoors Robert Filliou and George Brecht uv wooz original idea this is a reullizayshun.

Nan sithi, thuzzer booergy-mister mouchin un botherin awl oer place--unnits booergy-mister uh kommunism. Allt gaffers errawl Ewerup’s gorrawl churchified t’booititaht: thuzimmint mekkers, unt jerry plain cloouz boobiz.

Nah then--can thar tell me any oppuhzishun thurrent been calder kommy bithem thuts runnint show? Urrunoppuhzishun thurrent chuckt middinful on themuzintfrunt un themuzintback unawl?

Nahthuzzuh coupler points ahm goointer chuckaht frum awl thisseer stuffidge:

Wun: Thadeelin wear reight proper biggun inthiseer kommunizum.

Too: It’s abaht bluddy time thut kommunizum spoouk its orn mind, unwarritsehbaht, un edder reight set-too we awl this youngunz stuff ehbaht booergy-misters, wee uh bitter straight tawkin onnitsoowun.

Un soourt kommiz frum awlort place uv snugged it up dahn in Lundun, un poowildahl the buk lernin tehgither un cummupwithisseer Manifesto, unnitz innuzoowun un int’ froggy, unt’ jerry, un i-ti, unt flemmy unt dayunish.

I Gaffersunt Wukkerz

Warritsahl beenabaht izzerbashup wit gafferzunt wukkerz suchuz meeunthee.  Them wit brass un themmuz gorrit un themmuz nowt, innerwurd, themgenstuz, brokken bottlinitt wi wununnuther, unawluz evviner reight wallupin uhn skalpin, un ivry time thuzeetherer new gangergaffers errelse eh reight bluddy messuz forawluzconsurnd.

Nar thuwarrertime when allthisser gafferunt wukker bizznuss wurreight complikaytudup wi ivriboddi uppendarnon thisseer soshul ladder thing. It war like thissin Rooum ehfoor Mussolini tookover, unint Middle Ages witheezeer foodul geezers un serfs ehsummut. Unevennahr wiv still got theez kindza bashups. Ameen grantud thumperzerdiffrunt but ruddy thump ups ehjustabaht same. But narhdaze wiv cottundonter summertabit diffrunt, unnits this: wibluddywellno wooerwibashin abaht. Its themmuz gaffers unnits uzzuzint.

Wentblowks startud makkint brass abrooud innermerica un tahns like that, well ameen foodal sossierti wentferrer Burton un tukkerrunninjump int cut. Dooint biznuss wit tchi neez unt indiuns well, it oppendupthings un noktall ellarter themtheer youneeunmen unt likkulbiznissuz. Unnalt time thewurmoorenmoor shoppers croppinup unthewurwantin moorunmoor things sewersthudgotteh build moor factriz un stahrt bildint factrizzint fursplace. Unnitsbicosserthem factriz thut gaffers gorrinteht’act. Un thewarrer tunnenuzz made a pilerbrass then, un thedintevenny wukkinmensclubs then thannuz. That’s went chuffers started runnin, unt big booerts ont watter, unt muck stacks started pilin uppuds. Sirthaseez thatsweer big brassuntgaffers cum frum.

Unwotthagorruz brassint pokkits thagorrers politikul powerunnawl. Thaseez, wenivvert gaffers uzgot power then thuv put booitintert pooweh blowks un smasshededupivrithin unleft lackiz winowt. Thuv skimmed froth off toppertbuppy un dun bluddywellnowt forrit. Thuvgorrawl that brass for buckshee besittin onthe backsides arl day while suchuz meeuntheeuvgon slayvinerahnd dahnt pits unint factriz. Gaffersuv terndalotter deesunt fellers internowtbut laybruzun leftuz gaggin while thev guzzled awlt larrup. Unterstop thumsens deein gaffers evteh keep on makkin things new. Thuv got terbichangin ivrithin awltbluddytime. Untherawluss need sum muginz wooz goooin ter buy awl their rammul. So thuvtehgoowallovvert place, unallovert world.

Unwarrallthis boils dahn to is this: ivrithins internashnul un thadozentevowt that’s theeown uzzer cuntrymun. Ameen thacarntjustevsum triper coweelunlegbeef frum Pennistun, thaz gotterev yaks balls frum Afghanistan ehsumsuch place. Urrer pinter bitter frumt beeroff, noa, thaz gotterev lahgehr er pilsner unnal them theer forrin brandserlarrup. Thaseez gaffers move serbluddy fast ivrithins internashnul befoor thacunnseh Jack Robinson. Un them artsidert tahns uvv edto buckleunder to themuzinnum, gaffersuv built there reight big tahns unbrortin awltheez gormluss gorps frumt bushesunt twigs. Un bit same accahnt, gafferzevmade awlt forriners knuckle under soorthat awlt brass unt buppiz gooin intert pockits un darnt guzzuls uhv them fewers evitawl. Nah, ask thissen, izzit proper? Thacun scarce finder treenar thutentbeen choptuppen purrinter sum furniss ter keep chuffferzrunninter carry muck foht gafferz.

So thaseez: gaffers came up ahtut rankser theezeer fewduls. But fewduls cuddunt keepupwi har thingswer makt, sooat gafferz startud takkinolder ah things wur made, unthermader reight proper circus oonitunawl. But sithi, worappund tut fewdul toffs izappnin tut gafferz nar. Coss thuv bittenoffmoorthun thecun chow, un wotsuppiz reightly this: thuvovvershot thursenz thuv purrup too many bluddy factriz undug too many pits, sooamuchsewer thut thur slittinthurrooan guts untheronnyway erandlin this ister find moor mugs ter sellter un moor factriz terclooerzdahn. Sewerthe slittin thurrown throughuts unther bildinuzup betterunbetter ateech slittin.