My spatula is too short
But it does not matter.
The hair on my arms is already gone
And I have the apron of a Titan.
Who wouldn’t kiss a cook
with a red skull on his chest
and a caption that threatens the guests.

"Don't Make Me Poison Your Food"
:the first thing people see of me.
My apron is my cape.
Some nights, the kitchen is my battleground.
Taking the devious oven and forcing it to submit to my will,
I am the Burninator of Burgers
The Flamer of Franks
The Toaster of Tofu in burgeresque shapes
The Griller of Green things on sticks (what are these vegetables of which you speak?)
And, on occasion, The Appeaser of Adrienne
Though to the common hubber, I am "Jack, the Cheese Man."
I'm cooking with fire, baby!
I’ve got a headfull of heat.
Can you dig it?
It's starting to smell like danger...or maybe burnt tofu.
Wretched tofu! Always inedible by a cruel twist of fate.
And The Cheese Man watches from his vantage point,
ready to save the burgers from the perils of char.
The night is young, and I am drinking wine from a jar.
Ahh, Mighty Coals, purveyors of edibility
and preventors of E. Coli toxicity!
I watch as the coals change from black to red
and change the meat from red to black.
Oops, should have flipped them instead of staring.
I should have flipped them.
My apron has become an accessory of evil...and evil is back in fashion.
Watch out, baby! I’ve got the fire and I don’t know how to put it out!
Where there’s fire there’s smoke, baby, and this fire’s gonna smoke you up good.
Burning eyes are the least of your problems when I’m around.
Who am I?
Merely Jack?
I’m the man, I'm the bad man.
I’ve got my tool in my hand and I’m going for the heat!
I'm the one who’s gonna poison your food.
How bad am I?
I'm twelve-point-oh on a ten-point-oh scale of badness!
That bad, baby, yeah!
I’ve got fire at my fingertips and embers hanging from my lips.
The whole thing’s gonna blow, baby!
We’ve got combustables and we’re severely underqualified!
Don’t close the doors on me, baby! You don’t want to shut this out!
When Jack’s cooking with fire, there is no such thing as a safe place!
I don't know the meaning of the phrase "undercooked..."

I mean, I know it, I'm not dumb...
I just don’t acknowledge it in this context.
Someone wants a burger extra well done?
Well, I accounted for that scenario... the Cheese Man knows all.
Have this one, right here.
So rest easy sweet hubbers, the burgers have been burninated, the franks flamed, the tofu....whatever...and that other stuff too.

Jack Catalano