Frank Rizzo

Hey! Hey you! What do ya think you're doin', hanh? Pissin' on my leg. It's not enough I gotta deal wit da birds. I gotta have you pissin' on me?

A POLICEMAN walks by, but he can't hear Mayor Frank.
Hey. Hello dere. Officer! You see dis bum? You see dis bum here, hanh? He's takin' a piss on my leg. You gonna stand for dat? Hey! Where you goin'? I'm talkin' to you!

God Almighty. Da cops in dis city. Dey ain't what dey used to be, dat's for sure. Hell, ain't nothin' what it used to be, ya know what I'm sayin'? When I ran dis town, it was efficient. Maybe not humane. But efficient.

Dey used to say I was a racist. Can you believe dat? Dey had da nerve to accuse me, Mayor Frank, of bein' a racist. What a load a bull. I love black people. All tru my life in public service, every bodyguard I ever had was a colored guy. I love black people. Dere very good at intimidatin' your enemies.

Dey used to say I gave all da good city jobs to my friends. Well, who da hell you want me to give 'em to, hanh? My enemies? Honestly . . .

Dis town used ta be full of radicals. Degenerates. Liberals. I remember when I was commisioner of da police department, and dem Panthers had one a der little club meetings, da way dey was jumpin' around, screamin' like monkeys. Like dey was monkeys from da zoo, ya know? I showed up to der meeting at Temple U wit a phalanx of good, strong cops. I turned to my second, and I said, "By da time I'm done wit dese Panthers, I'll make Attila da Hun look like a fag."

Hey! What are you doin' now, hanh? You're liftin up your shirt, you're dropping your pants, you're squatting like a frog in da lily pond. Aww, no. Aww, no. Officer! Officer! Look at dis bum. Will ya look at dis bum? First he peed, and now he's takin a dump on me. Will ya look at dis guy? Honestly, if I wasn't inanimate, I’d kick you right in the jaw. Look at dis guy. He's droppin' more bombs den Wilson Goode. Heyo!

Dat was a good one, right? Dat was pretty good?

Wilson Goode. Honestly. Talk about someone who didn't live up to his name. Dis is de only town where da democratic machine runs so good, da parts are so well oiled, see, dat a fella can drop a bomb on his own city and still get re-elected.

I'm tellin' ya. Dis place is unforgiving. Dey say dere are no second acts in America. For a long time, I was inclined to believe it was true. But, hey. How many guys you know get encased in bronze, get a permanent birds eye view of the greatest part of dis city, ya know? I turn my eyeball, I can see all da way up da parkway to de art museum steps. Hey. Ya know what we got in dere? A Van Gogh. Not to mention a Stallone statue. How many other cities got dat, hanh? I turn my eyeball de other way, I'm lookin right at da top of Billy Penn's hat on old City Hall. It's beautiful, City Hall. Such a beautiful building. I'd make love to it if I was kinky. No, I kid. I kid. Anyway…

Dis city. After all dese years, I still love dis town. Da hoagies. Da pretzels. Da Jersey shore. Eatin' pizza at Marra's, or veal marsala at Palumbo's, or a cheesesteak from Pat's. Or Geno's. Can't forget dem neither. Only in Philadelphia can ya buy fruit at Giordanno's, and funnel cake at Reading Terminal, all in da same day. Dere ain't no place else like Philadelphia. Not in da whole wide world.

I love dis town. I did good tings for dis town, ya know? You got da Gallery under my watch. Ya got da gas work. I defended dis town like no other. Anyone still remember S.O.S. Soap Pads? No. Cause I got dat filthy commercial off de air. And I do one little tax hike, and dey scream for a recall. A recall. Of me. Mayor Frank. God Almighty.

I’m tellin ya, da biggest mistake dis city ever made was not approvin' da charter to let me serve a third term. After I left office, everyting went to da dogs. And I mean everything. First ya had Greene, dat good for nothin' son of a bitch. And den you had Goode. Oh, did you ever. And den der was Rendell. Eddie Rendell. That slickmouthed kike from New York. He comes in and da way he acts, you'd tink Center City was de only place dat fell within da city limits. Maybe someone shouldda told him, hey Eddie, before you take over dis town, why don't ya read a map?

I couldda beat him too, ya know? And I would have. If it wasn't for de old ticker. Carmella told me not to run, ya know? Watch your blood pressure, she said to me. She loved me, dat woman. But I didn't listen. I couldn't. You know why? Cause I care, dat's why. I care about Philadelphia, and I didn't wanna watch it go to some Yiddish talkin' outsider from da schtetl. I was raised my whole life in dis town. All da way from South Philadelphia to Germantown, I been to every neighborhood and back again. It's my town, Philadelphia. Ya know? But what can ya do, right? God Almighty.

And den. Oh, den, you got da era of Mayor John Street. Dis negro radical. Let me tell ya. I remember dis guy from de old days. I knew from day one he was gonna be bad news. Fistfights in City Hall. Degenerate. He's like a monkey, dis guy. Monkey business from a monkey. I got no patience for dat.

Wire taps in de office. Lemme ask you. Were dere ever wire taps under Mayor Frank? Oh, dere was lie detectors, sure. But dose tings? Full of crap. Wire taps. God Almighty.. Dat's a whole nother ball game. And now dey got dis cookie. Diz nutter butter cookie in dere. He's talkin' big changes. We'll see if he can deliver, ya know?

Hey! I want all a yuse out dere listenin' to know, dat if dis Nutter ever breaks his word on somethin, or if he don't do da job you tink he should, den old Frank's here to back you up. You hear dat, Philadelphia? I'm still here. I'm watchin' over you. I'm holdin' out my hand for all eternity. All you gotta do is hold out yours. Make a connection. And I'll come back. And I'll make tings right again. Cause I love dis city. I seen it at its best, and I seen it at its worst. And I know how to take care of it. I'm ready whenever you need me, Philadelphia. Whenever you need me, you just call old Frank.

And remember, I never saw MY mother naked. Heyo!

Rizzocrats forever!!! You hear me, bum? Yeah, dat's right. I'm talkin' to you. I'm Mayor Frank, and dey ain't never gonna shut me up for good.

Rizzocrats forever! Rizzocrats forever!

Now if only you'd stop crappin' on my left foot.

Hey! Wait a minute! Where ya goin'? We can still be friends, can't we? No hard feelings! A guy gets lonely up here, ya know? What's your problem? I thought we was friends. You were white and everyting, for chrissake. I'M YOUR MAYOR, GODDAMNIT! MAYOR FRANK! I'M DA GREATEST TING DAT EVER HAPPENED TO DIS TOWN. I LOVE DIS CITY! I MADE DIS CITY!!!

How do ya like dat?

For Chrissake, can't a guy ever catch a break in dis town?

Philadelphia. I'm tellin' ya. Fuckin' Philadelphia. God Almighty.