92 minutes
by Dan Carey and Mark Peters

Where's the beef?  
In the basement 

How many angels can dance on the head of a pin? 43

Does God exist? People

How can world peace be achieved? Globe

How can world hunger be eliminated? Hot cakes and sausage

How does Danny get hurt? Maybe

Do we really have free will? No

What is poetry? 21 numbers

Where's the beef? In the counselor's room

What is real? Real people

Where's the beach? On the sand

What is school for? Jumping

Who is Moses? The People's Court

What does sand taste like? Like A&W Root Beer

Why did you eat the toothpaste? Fresh and minty breath

Do aliens exist? Yes

What do they do? Eat pickles

Where do pickles come from? Las Vegas

Are pickles moral? No

What is moral? PM Magazine is moral

What's a pickle for? Broken

What's broken? The flowers are broken

Why? Are you so sad?

Does God exist? No or yes

What is life? The Greatest American Hero

What is death? Barney Miller

What's a good idea? Corn flakes are a good idea

What should I do with my life? See Jane Pauley

Where's China? In London

Where's London? In Houston

Where's Houston? In Dallas

Where's Dallas? Out

Where's out? Outta here

How do you feel? Scared about the big pine cones at 1:42 a.m. tonight

What do big pine cones do? Scare you and go away at 3:42 a.m. tonight

What do you learn at school? Math books and lying down

What do you want to be when you grow up? Industrial hygienist

What does an industrial hygienist do? Read newspapers

What's in your mouth? Teeth

What else is in your mouth? Gum

Where did you get the gum? Under the table

What do poets do? Drink coffee

What does coffee do? Drink your stomach

What do monkeys do? Jump up and down

What do psychologists do? Go do work

What is work? 2 + 5 = 7

Is communism dead? Yes

Why does the sun set? Because it is sad

Why does the sun rise? Because it is sad

What do Presidents do? Oopschlop

Should soup be illegal? Yes

Does God exist? Unwanted

Nature or nurture? Nature

Where's the beef? In 1974

Who made the universe? Abe Vigoda made the universe in 1994

Who invented math? Wink Martindale invented math in 1992

Who invented the calendar? Jack Anthony made the calendar on Saturday August 19th 1995

What did Shakespeare do? He played Jeremiah was a Bullfrog in 1925

What did Mozart do? Sang Monday Monday

What did Einstein do? Played Monday Monday on the radio in 1982

What did Picasso do? Drink red dye

Why does Chris wear a hat? It is good to wear a hat

Why does Eric fart? Cause he stinks and he wants to take a shower

Why did the dinosaurs die? Because they oopschlopped


How do you make coffee? By making 2 cups of water

How do you make water? By making 2 cups of coffee

Where's the beef? On HBO

What is hell? Hurting kicking and boxing

What's in a name? Juices

What is true love? Hurting

When did time begin? In 1976

Who is the Buddha? Ron Howard

What music do you like? Noises

Why? Are you screaming?

How will it all end? In 1962

How? Cause it's all gone in 1962

How? Cause it's so sad in 1962

How do you feel? Sad mad scared happy bored and unseen

Do you want more juice? Unpredictable

What does unpredictable mean? Not wanted

What isn't wanted? Not locked

What isn't locked? Opened the doors

What doors? Locked up

Why are we here on this planet? Thursday

Where did the universe come from? The map

Which is better: toast or danish? Toast

What is toast? Burnt

Who is Plato? A man

Who is Jesus? Superman

What does God say? Hi

What's the meaning of Christmas? Bigger pine cones

What do you need? Kiss and a squeeze

What is philosophy? Falling down

How long will the world last? 92 minutes

Pub. May 1998 DRC