from Punk
by Kenneth Goldsmith

Those who cannot write poetry...force it upon anyone stupid enough to
   say "Oh? you're a poet?"

   Those who can write poetry...know better than to bother writing
   poetry. HOLY SHIT! It was bad poetry. REALLY BAD POETRY! I'd found fucking

I was not prepared for the cardboard-like texture of the turkey, the rubbery
taste of the bread crumbs, and the downright confusing chemical taste of the
vegetables. But
I was not prepared for the cardboard-like texture of the crust, the rubbery
taste of the cheese, and the downright confusing chemical taste of the sauce.
Neither. ALL this stuff tastes like shit.
 What was that? You still ain't sick of detournement?

     THIS little thing in my left hand? Why, hell, I've put Two of 'em
        inside a boy HALF your size. Don't be such a fucking PUSSY.


            Honey? Do you smell something? I think it's my cunt.


   Twenty bucks a finger? Up THIS guys asshole? You're on, Nurse Jensen!
                 Get ready to fork over two hundred bills.
* One pair ridiculous gorilla slippers; 3 pairs of cheap shit
     * 1 - 6" Gumby; 1 comb, white; 1 - 1.5 oz. jar Knott's Pure Honey
     * 2 - 1 oz. bottles of Trump Taj Mahal Casino conditioner
     * 1 - 30ml bottle Paco Rabanne cologne
     * 1 clip-on bowtie (green with black pattern)
     * 4 - 1/8oz. bottles McIlhenny Tabasco Sauce
     * 1 Charlie Brown Pezx dispenser; 1 miniature toy accordion
     * 1 package Pally brand Coconut Cookies (cholesterol free)
  * 1 - 1 oz. white clown makeup; 13 cheap shit CRANK stickers
     * 5 VERY old issues of the Bottom Line; 1 - 4" bust of a Pope John
     * 1 burgundy sweater-vest, used; 1 Love & A .45 promotional condom
  Playboy, March 1987; Penthouse, September 1986; New Look, September
   1986; 4 VHS tapes filled with softcore porn
     * Sweet, Sweet Loretta 7" - The DeFranco Family, featuring Tony
     * Everything Your Heart Desires 7" - Hall & Oates
     * James Bond Moonraker 7"
     * Theme from Beverly Hillbillies 7"
     * Spectres LP - Blue Oyster Cult
     * Sing Along with Connie Frances, presented by Brylcreemr
     * Inside Information - Foreigner
     * Street Lines EP - Oriental Spas
     * The Astounding Bernard Peiffer LP
     * ONE NATION, underground CD comp.
     * Mono - Fury in the Slaughterhouse
     * 1 full-page printed photo of young Michael Jackson, found on the
"When you're out of ___________, you're out of beer."
   "The Thirst Slaker! __________"
"Next time you feel like a couple of beers, have a _____________."
   "A secretary writes: Getting dates used to be a problem till I
   switched to ___________. It succeeded where sexy perfumes failed. A
   completely unique experience!"
     know, I'm not attracted to guys or anything, but let me tell you,
     Ray was packing at least nine beautiful inches of solid, throbbing
     manhood, and I couldn't wait to see him put it in my beautiful
You'll never get another dime from me, you leech motherfuckers.

ASS-CURVE                DILDI                    PURPLE-STANCHION
BALLIONS                 DILDISMIC                RICHARD
BUSH-BONE                FANNY-HOLE               SCREAMCREAM
CLIT-PEARL               JUICE-BOX                SUCK-TIPS
CLIT-SHAFT               KOOSH-BALL               TITBAGS
COCKMEAT                 LOVE-AREAS               TWAT-CLEAVAGE
COME-KICK                MASTUR-STROKES           VAGI-FRO
COME-TANGENTS            MEGA-THIGHS              VADGE
CUNT-SITE                MIRIANAS-TRENCH          VULVAL
DICK-KNOB                MOIST-TROIKA             WHALE-ON-MY-BONE
DICKMEAT                 MOUND-BONE               YOKEL
DICK-BUNDLE              NUG

                                 Chump Change

          Add up the values of each coin and get some good advice!

       Finished? Put down those pencils. Time to check your answers!

                                   Boxed Out

     Even the smallest portion of Our Savior Jesus Christ is Sacred,
     right? Then prove it, Church Boy. Each of the five boxes on the
     right was taken from the picture below. Can you find the exact box
     (number and letter) from which each portion was taken? Then, can
     you figure out the holy message hidden in the answers?

                         I want the blessed answers
The Ear (D-5) represents "Can you hear me, you fucking
     idiots? Hello??"
     The Throat (C-7) represents "Gulp. I can't believe I fell for that
     Jesus crap for 30 years of my life."
     The Nose (B-5) represents " What smells? Oh, it's the bullshit I
     stand in every time I go to church."
     The Eye (C-4) represents "I see you, sinners! And it sure looks
     like you're having a lot more fun than I am. Jeesh, you guys even
     get to jerk off without guilt! Wow!"
     The Plain Forehead (C-3) represents the blank space that exists
     inside all devout Christians' heads.

But Keanu Reeves is an odd duck: while it seems that
     everyone with a brain hates him and his substandard performances,
     his fucking films make scads of cash. How does he get cast in roles
     that could've been executed by actors with far more talent and
     equal box-office draw?
Lez-mania... It's More Addictive Than Beatle-mania !!!

Pub. May 1998 DRC