by Alan Myouka Sondheim

We Invite All Aliens To Announce Their Historic Internet Presence Now!

We Invite Them to Use Our Email Lists For This Purpose!


Do Not Regale Us With Tales Of Bug-Eyed Monsters!

Do Not Tell Us About Purported Abductions Of Beautiful Long-Haired Women!

We Will Never Believe That You Drool From Sharpened Teeth!

Show Us Your Magic Tricks!

And Please!!

No More About The Magic Crystals!

Stop Trying To Impress Us With Right-Handed Turns At High Speed!

We Know For A Fact That You're Not Intelligent Plants!

Turn Your Blinking Lights Off And Stop Bothering Farmers With Crop Circles!

So Now!!

These Lists Are Waiting For You!

Send Us Your Messages Of Greetings And Salutations!

Don't Try And Fool Us With Secret Ciphers When We Have PGP!

Don't Forget We're Big On Multiculturalism Here!

Let Us Know What You're Reading At The Very Least!

What Do You Think About _Wired_?

If You Have Neat Technology, Let Us In On It!

So Now!!

A Big Hello For An Event Of Major Importance!

We're Here To Welcome You To The Internet!

You'd Like Us Better Virtually, Take Our Word For It!

Do You Have A Neat Sig?! What Sort Of Domain Do You Use!?

So Aliens, Tell Us! No More Hiding! Please Don't Spam!

Do You Have Two Suns?! Neat Shadows!? Lots Of Sexes?!

We're All Excited! Why Don't You Send Us Some .JPEG Pictures!?

Forget Usenet! They're Not For Real!


Talk To Us! Stop Lurking! We'll Never Call You Clueless!

Subscribe to Cybermind! Fiction-Of-Philosophy!

We'll See You On The Net! Tell Us What You See Through Your Window!

And What Kind Of Rays Do You Use?! TELLUS!!! TELLUS!! TELLUS!!

Signed - The Committee For Saying HELLO!!

Pub. Feb. 1999