a deluxe rubber chapbook
by Peter Balestrieri


How many red-haired gals do ya know?
                                               The Trapper in Yankee Pasha     

No son of mine is going to be a 19th Century Cockney bootblack.
                                               Homer Simpson, The Simpsons     
He swung a wide loop in his younger days.
                                        John Wayne in Angel and the Badman     
There's no town in these colonies big enough to hide that red hair of 
                                             Henry Da Silva in Unconquered     
Only one need call her name and all will be saved.
                                                               Golden Gate     
Keep behind me.  There's no sense in getting killed by a plant.
                                  Ted the Scientist in Day of the Triffids     
If you knew how much I loved you, you'd faint.
                                      Joel McCrea in Foreign Correspondent     
Love gives you the power to smurf things you ordinarily can't smurf.
                                                    Papa Smurf, The Smurfs     
No thanks; I'm on that new lemonade diet.
                                          Marshal Thompson in Battleground     
Now you be sure and dress warmly on those other planes of existence.
                      Gates McFadden, Star Trek: Next Generation (for Tam)     
the black calling the kettle "pot" (for Kenny)          

I'm a celebrity beauty secret.          

I always thought I'd make a good servant girl.
                                     Jennifer Jones in Song of Bernadette          

Doesn't that funny face deserve the best every day?
                                                           Sheba Cat Food          

                                                    The World in His Arms          

Remarks want you to make 'em. They got their tongues hangin' out waitin'
to be told.
                                           Dick Powell in Murder My Sweet     
She makes little gestures with her hands when she talks to people in 
her head. 

I want to be with you so much my knees feel like they'd got knives in 
                                                Colleen Gray in Red River     
His kind of sincerity could wreck the world! 
       Naturally, that's why we the insincere must run it.
              Ray Walston and Agnes Moorehead in Who's Minding the Store?     
It's good to carry matches and a knife in case you have to cut 
something or set something on fire.          

You both watch me as though you expect me to burst into flame!
                               Basil Rathbone in The Last Days of Pompeii 
Isn't "Pilar" a beautiful name?          

I regret I am too occupied to accept invitations.
                                               Boris Karloff in The Mummy     
Dear Diary,
Well, another Friday's gone by and I still haven't tried the all-you-can-eat 
fish fry at The Rooster.  What's happening to me?   


When a diver goes down, do the people on the boat really stare at the 
water until the diver comes up?       
What, back to the movie already?  Are you sure you wouldn't rather 
show another 20 commercials?       
New Barbies - Raped Barbie, Battered Barbie, Cleaning Lady Barbie     
It's like some guys don't know the rules about knives.       
You better get used to me fresh out of the shower.  
                                                  Robert Mitchum in Macao     
Sometimes Claire pulls her hair across her mouth like a mustache.       
I'm afraid there's a limit to nobility, even for Americans. 
                                       Joseph Calleia in Yankee Buccaneer     
Take it from me, Ricardo Montalban  
Time is precious--so is your peace of mind!       
My girlfriend wanted me to go to a poetry reading the other night.  I 
said, How 'bout we just break up?  
                                              Comic on TV (for M. Kashou) 
I ignore the insults of cowards.       
READ ALL ABOUT IT!  End of the World just around the corner!  
                                           Newsboy in When Worlds Collide     
There must be some mistake.  
             Well if there is, you just made it.      
                             A waiter and Bing Crosby in High Time (1960)     
There must be some mistake.  
             That's right fuckhead and you just made it!                    
                 A maitre d' and Robert Duvall in True Confessions (1981) 
It's never too late to care.
                                                 The Care Bears (for Don) 
I would hold you even if I didn't have any arms.       
You look in too many lighted windows, you're in trouble.  You look in 
just one, you're in trouble.  
                                     John McIntyre in Mississippi Gambler     
'Cause I'm a terrible guy!  
              Bluto as Abu Hassan in Popeye's Ali Baba and the 40 Thieves     
I'm storing you up like nuts for the winter.       
Money ain't everything, not even to a capitalist.  
                                      Michael Constantine, The Odd Couple     
I'm the one the Indians call The Toilet.       
I suppose you want me to go to night school, read poems!  
                                             Jimmy Cagney in Public Enemy     
When was tomorrow yesterday? 
                Jerry Mathers and John Forsythe in The Trouble with Harry     
Don't be sayin' anything against the dark; it's a grand thing, 
especially at night.  
                                   Pat O'Brien in The Boy with Green Hair     
A truly beautiful redhead is rarer than a flawless forty-carat 
pigeon-blood ruby.  
                                                            Truman Capote     
That's right, I was at Bible Camp. I'm learning to be more judgmental.
                                              Mrs. Flanders, The Simpsons     
Tell me everything you saw and what you think it means.  
                                               Grace Kelly in Rear Window     
I ain't no lightnin' calculator.  
                                     Henry Fonda in The Young Mr. Lincoln     
If you can't see my mirrors, I can't see you!       
Don't forget that I could swallow each of you whole.  All I need do is 
butter your heads and pin your ears back.  
                                          Roscoe Lee Brown in The Cowboys     
Art is small beer.  The really serious things in life are earning 
one's living so as not to be a parasite, and loving one's neighbor.  
                                                               W.H. Auden     
Now everybody stand back and give a man some fightin' room!  
                                           Larry Storch in The Great Race     
Come and get it before I throw it to the hogs.  
                                                  Jesse White in Gunsmoke     
I'm not going to marry into hothead shouting and nerves. 
                                 Dorothy Maguire in Gentleman's Agreement     
Ferengi workers don't want to stop the exploitation; we want to find
a way to become the exploiters.  
                                               Star Trek: Deep Space Nine     
Good thing I'm a math whiz.  
Well, to tell you the truth, I don't know you well enough to tell you 
the truth.  
                                           Jerome Cowan in Shall We Dance     
I don't want to dream, I want to sleep.
This face, this body I've become - this isn't how it was meant to be.  

My internal cock has been cut off.       

It wasn't love they felt or even pity.  It was fear!  Fear of my
Giant Expanding Brain!            

Hide me.  Hide me in your love.  
                                                  Richard Dix in Cimarron     
When are you gonna jump into the deep end of my life?       
Do you want me to plow a trail through those mountains?       
A temper?  That red hair of hers is no lie!  
                                        Barry Fitzgerald in The Quiet Man     
And McPete spends 
like a sailor. 
Did our boy do 
somethin' rash?       
Got a red-haired gal make a houndog lose his trail.  
                                                               Doc Watson     
Hey, Nijinsky!
                                            Moe Howard, The Three Stooges     
You fuckin' shit!  Don't you ever fuck with me like that again!
               President Balestrieri (to a plastic bag that startled him)


Poets aren't much help when dead bodies begin to surface.
                                                               Diana Rigg     
We're just commas.
                                          Fr. Jack Isaacs Foundlings Home

What kind of tea do you want? 
        Poison tea. 
Well that goes without saying. What flavor would you like to mask the poison?        
        I'll be right back.          

Oh yeah?  You and who else?
Just fill your heart with gladness and work till the end of the day.
My bowel just sent me a poem on the subjects of Indian food and gluttony.

Hey, I'm just trying to be a phony.     
An ocean of hate.  Two oceans!          

powerful bubbling action     
I think I'll file this under "thanks for nothing."     
If you tighten the string too much it will snap and if you leave it 
too slack it won't play.
                                      Musician on a boat in Little Buddha     
You play for keeps and you play to win.  If you lose, you start over 
                                       Clark Gable in Any Number Can Play     
Dear Reader's Digest,     
I cancelled this subscription long ago. I did not ask you to send me
3 issues. I do not want your magazine. You and your Sweepstakes are a 

Gravy - think about it.     
I'll be back soon.  Went to China.     
My room smells all fried in olive oil and peppery.     
I wish something big would come through the window and kill me.     
What if cancer is really God?          

Is there a giant mad dog behind us? 
        Well, that would be bad but I'd use you as a shield.     
Louis Armstrong, musical genius, often smoked marijuana to ease the 
pain of racism.          

Flodgem means "I'll see you later."
                                                           Slim and Slam     
After the flood     
what'd I see?     
Lots of flotsam     
waiting for me.
You're one of those people who doesn't know they're in trouble
until it's too late!        
        If you're in trouble, it's already too late.     
All of you who speak more than one language - SO WHAT!  I'm so sick of 
your bullshit!  Translate this! (grabs his crotch)     
And then the Senate named me Governor of Egypt and I sailed for 
Alexandria, my new home.     
I said "You jerk!" (to the washing machine) and then I gave it a good 
one, right in the face.     
I've got nothing against lying.  I lie all the time.
                               Charles Coburn in The Power and the Prize     
I like to watch you get dressed.         

Wrapped in plastic means "new".
If you can't take it, dish it out!
                                                      Sigmund Snopek III     
I wonder who's smoking me, turning me to ashes.     
I'm married - In case of emergency, get me a drink!     
I know it will be expected of me. 
      I don't have any expectations of you. I feel like I live with an evil  
      princess and I know that you'll do evil things and act like a princess.  
      It's when you're nice that it's scary.     
My room smells like bacon.     
You've got to always be the Prince or you'll never be the Prince.     
I do it so they'll realize that they don't know who I am.     
Allah has seen fit to dim the light of his wisdom.     
There's a car in the alley, lights out, four guys inside.  They've been 
sitting there over an hour.          

This detailed ELEPHANT FIGURINE is sure to be a mammoth addition to 
your collection!
                                              Publisher's Clearing House


Where ya from?        

Well maybe you don't know it 
But buddy I'm a kinda poet
And I've got a lot of things I'd like to say                           
                                Jane Russell, "One for the Road," Macao     
(to the tune of "Let's Fall in Love")     
You're gonna burn
You're going to hell     
You're gonna burn     
It'll be fun     
You'll be well-done     
You're gonna burn                            
An exciting train wreck is just one of the pluses in this powerful 
                                          trailer from Bhowani Junction     
Is this the end of Zombie Shakespeare?
                                       Zombie Shakespeare, The Simpsons     
I'm Smoky Joe     
I've gotta go     
Don't say hello 
Say g'bye to Smoky Joe     
I don't like crooks and if I did like crooks I wouldn't like stool 
pigeons and if I did like crooks who were stool pigeons I still 
wouldn't like you!
                                       Natalie Moorehead in The Thin Man 
I love to watch you sleep.  You look so cute.
                                         Myrna Loy in After the Thin Man     
If you know what I mean.          

I want to make easy, dirty money.
        I want you to play the lottery regularly.     
Doomed shirts are like doomed men with buttons.     
I'm not going to have sex because I don't want to.  First I want to 
finish school and get a good job and think about the future.
                                                      Planned Parenthood 
Let go of my arm. Wicked sprite!     
You're like a little trade union all of you, aren't you?
                                               George Sanders in Rebecca     
tentacles in the brain          

You've got those eyes.
        And I'm keepin' 'em.          

Book only as good as what inside.
                             Johnny Weismuller in Tarzan and the Amazons     
What were they doing there?        
        You know.     
Is it a sex planet or a zombie planet?     
The Dani want to be your friends but only if you read about them.     
Aren't you excited to be the first one to use the new soap?     
Cheating is the gift that Man gives himself.
                                          Montgomery Burns, The Simpsons     
Goodbye little monkey, goodbye     
Goodbye little monkey, don't cry
Daddy will be home real soon     
Bring you peanuts from the Moon
Try and sing a happy tune     

hello i love you
        what a coincidence     
But why paraphrase when after all these years I've finally found a 
legitimate reason for quoting myself?
                                                            Roger Zelazny     
Sure, I'm willing to talk about it.  Guns or knives?     
There are certain things best left uneaten.     
Celebrate the New Year in your NEW CAR!     
I hope you're wrapping things up.     
Three cults at the door in two weeks.  What the hell does that mean?
You don't hear me saying anything because I'm not even here.     
Your room smells like a sewer.
I think I'll do the oven and the refrigerator tomorrow and just do the 
floors today.        
        OK Cinderella.     
Balu man, not god!  High priest evil!  
                             Johnny Weismuller in Tarzan and the Mermaids

Pub. Feb. 1999 DRC